I have been married for quite a few years, so I have not been in the dating scene, however, like riding a bike, there are some things you just never forget. Okay you said the right things, looked good enough and got the girl to go out with you. Congratulations. Now, how do you go on the date without coming across like a complete idiot?

Several things you should remember. First of all, she is probably just as nervous as you are. Some of the following tips are for either sex. And guys, speaking of sex, get the idea of sex on the first date out of your head, unless getting a plate of spaghetti in your lap is something you enjoy. (And if you are dating my daughter, don’t even let the though of sex cross your mind, I keep a rusty hacksaw blade, for just this occasion!)

First, don’t talk about how your ex screwed you over. Don’t talk about how great your ex was. (If he or she is so great why are you not still together?) No one wants to hear about the ex on a first date. If you really need to talk about him or her, talk to a friend, or a parent, or a clergyman, or in some cases the arresting officer might be willing to listen!

Don’t get sloppy drunk on the first date. He or she should not see you like this until they get to know you a bit better. Preferably about the time the kids are old enough to come and pick you up!

Don’t table hop. You have taken your date to a great restaurant. Guys, she wants to feel like she is the center of your attention, not an afterthought. If you see your buddies, your teacher, your ex, or your parole officer, don’t leave your date to go talk to them. No, not even if they owe you money. (One exception to this is if you were counting on the money they owe to pay for dinner. Still, you should have planned better!)

Discussion on world politics, religion or your stance on the death penalty are generally not the best dinner conversation. Think about it. You mention how much you hate Republican Party, and her Uncle is the local Party Chairman. You mention that all people who are in jail are lowlife morons who should be lined up and shot, and she has a cousin doing five years on marijuana seeds found in his rental car. See what I mean? Besides, she might just be more intelligent than you are, and you will just prove yourself to be a total idiot.

Let’s say she brings up a problem she is having with her sister, or her cousin, or her roommate’s cousin’s sister. At this point you might be tempted to play Dr. Phil and try to solve her problem for her. First of all, you are not her girlfriend. You are probably not a trained psychologist. (Even if you are, you don’t have your shingle out right now!) The only time it is a good idea to give advice to your date is when she has dragged her sleeve into the candle sitting on the table, and it’s on fire. Then it is permissible to say something like, “Hey, your sleeve is on fire. Would you like some water?” Apart from that, you can certainly make sympathetic comments, but do the best you can to turn the conversation to other things.

While telling your date a little bit about yourself is okay, don’t go overboard. When you make yourself sound like a cross between Jack Bauer, Superman and Barack Obama, you may have stepped over the line. This makes you look like an idiot, not a great guy. Additionally if you think she is gonna buy a tenth of your ridiculous claims, perhaps we should talk about that swampland I have in Florida.

Flirting a bit is okay, if she initiates it. However don’t take this too far. If she is making somewhat suggestive comments, don’t turn it into an XXX conversation where you attempt to come off as the super stud of all time. Push your luck here, and you just may have to back it up later!

A first date is usually the “getting to know you” date. This is not the time to see if you can put another notch in your belt. You never know if the girl you are having dinner with might have just come out of a relationship with a serial stalker! She might have pepper spray or a stun gun in her purse. Proceed at your own risk!

Get to know your date, and if you treat her like a lady, she might give you a second chance.